The Sisterhood of the Traveling Umbrella!
by Chiharu-senpai
Summary: Yay a crackfic. Parody of episode 8. In the midst of a Yuri Apocalypse brought about by Chikane, Kagome is kindly lent an umbrella. But she loses her memory, and doesn't know who to return it to. SP!/KnM/Secret Life of the American Teenager Xover
1. Chapter 1

This idea came to me suddenly, and it seemed crazy enough to work. I've never written crackfics before, but hopefully this is good.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Strawberry Panic! If I did Tamao would've killed Shizuma with a chandelier and she and Nagisa would've lived Happily. Ever. After.

* * *

**THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING UMBRELLA**

**Chapter One**

Byakudan Kagome could've sworn on her honor that the sky was as clear as her forehead at last (thank you, Proactiv) when she set out to get a baseball bat for Remon and Kizuna, her two best friends.

"You're not going to kill each other, are you?" Kagome had asked.

"Oh no, not at all…" Kizuna was pinning Remon down on the bed and reaching up her skirt. "Baseball bats don't bite…unless Remon-chan wants it to…" She seemed to push her hand farther in Remon's skirt, and the green-haired girl squeaked.

"Oh…Darn it," Kagome mumbled, trudging out. Just when she thought she'd finally get some relief from Kizuna's references to bad songs from the '80s, Remon's incessant whining about Barack Obama's election, Kizuna's Rick-Rolling, and Remon's unfitting anime references.

But hey. She would have the bat. And she knew what she was going to do with it, too.

* * *

That same afternoon found two certain Spica third years hanging out in the courtyard. Choir rehearsal having just finished, Nanto Yaya and Konohana Hikari, her bosom buddy (and I use that term loosely), just stood around, still wearing their choir robes in the middle of July in 90 degree weather, talking about the simple joy of direct sunlight.

Suddenly a little girl with long pink hair in a headband went skipping by, humming to herself. It was clear by her height that she was a first year.

Hikari watched her go, then turned to Yaya and said, "The first years are so sweet and innocent. So fresh and full of energy!"

Yaya nodded assent. "Yeah…Let's go beat 'em up!" And she went charging after the pink-haired girl.

* * *

Kagome knew she could find a bat in Spica's recreation shed. She was just contemplating asking Chikaru-oneesama to start the Conspiracy to Kill Remon and Kizuna Club when she came across the weirdest spectacle.

A girl with pink hair was standing over a girl with black hair and kicking her in the side repeatedly.

"Uncle! Uncle!" the black-haired girl was crying.

Kagome ran up to the pink-haired girl, a first year like herself. "Tsubomi!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing? Don't pick on a fellow first year!"

"Uh, excuse me," Yaya coughed. "I'm a third year."

The Lulim girl blinked. "How in the world did you―" She cut herself short and shook her head. "Never mind. Is there a baseball bat I could borrow?"

"Yes. But I was just about to use it," said Tsubomi. She glared at Yaya. "This baka comes trying to steal my money, and I was like, 'Hell to the nizzle, skank!'" Her face softened and she looked at Kagome. "What do _you _need the bat for?"

"It's for my two friends who are dating and have weird SM yuri secks on an hourly basis."

Yaya giggled, imagining what they would use that baseball bat for.

Tsubomi pulled her baseball bat out from nowhere and passed it to Kagome. "Well, who am I to object to weird SM yuri secks? Especially when I myself have it on a minutely basis." She checked her watch. "Which reminds me, I'm about overdue."

Yaya sat up quickly.

Tsubomi continued, "I'm meeting a friend in the elevator operating room."

Yaya frowned.

Kagome blinked. "Elevator operating room?"

"Yeah. Ever done it there? It's wicked fun." And Tsubomi departed to have her lez-crazy sex in an elevator operating room.

The Lulim girl huffed; she'd probably ask Chikaru-oneesama to start the Conspiracy to Kill Remon and Kizuna and Tsubomi Club. Elevator operating sex was against her religion. Now, if Tsubomi had wanted to do it in a morgue that would be acceptable in Kagome's church.

Yaya began to cry. Tears squirted from her brown eyes in abundance, finally making those azaleas that Sister Hamasaka struggled with grow. Kagome's heart softened toward the third year. She bent down to console Yaya.

"Oneesama, what's wrong?"

"I just realized that sherbert is actually pronounced like 'sher_bet_!'" Yaya wept. She jumped up and ran out of the recreation shed, leaving Kagome on her own.

* * *

Kagome felt horrible. Here she was, conspiring to kill her friends. And now Yaya had brought to her attention the sin of pronouncing "sherbet" like "sherbert," and she didn't even feel bad about her mispronouncing it. As Kagome exited the shed she took a moment to reflect on her character.

She could say "sher_bet_." She could be a good person.

She pointed at the sky. "O Goddess of Yuri," said she. "I, Byakudan Kagome will be…the. Best. Yuri. Girl. EVER!!!"

The Goddess of Yuri, whose name is Chikane, responded by dumping a bunch of clouds in the sky and starting a thunderstorm.

Kagome shook her head sadly. Tears mixed with rain drenched her face. "Why, Chikane-sama? Why do you give me such grief?"

"Because you pronounce sherbet like 'sherbert,'" answered an omnipresent voice.

* * *

Suzumi Tamao and Aoi Nagisa exited the Foreign Language building, heading to their next class, which is Calculus. Don't ask how Nagisa ended up in a Calculus class. Probably Shizuma had something to do with it.

Lightning flashed and thunder crackled and boomed. The rain came down without warning in sheets.

"Eeeehhh!" Nagisa cried, throwing her French text book atop her head. Who cared if that damned thing got ruined? "Rain?! But…But HOW?"

"The Goddess of Yuri is very angry," Tamao said bleakly. Then her violet eyes brightened and she snapped her fingers. "But I'm always prepared!" And she reached over somewhere off-screen and produced a large blue umbrella. She pressed the button on the handle and it opened. Nagisa ducked under it and clung to Tamao, scared.

"Amazing," Nagisa panted. "I can't believe you were prepared for a Yuri Apocalypse, Tamao-chan."

"Oh, this umbrella wasn't preparation for an Apocalypse," the poet giggled. (Use your imagination!) She pulled the redhead along. "Come on, Nagisa-chan. Let's get to Calculus class."

"How did I get in that class?" Nagisa asked.

"Because of me." Suddenly Shizuma appeared under the umbrella. Unfortunately, the umbrella was only big enough for two people, so someone had to go. Even more unfortunately, that person was Tamao.

"ACK!" the poet cried as Shizuma bumped her out. Tamao seemed to disappear in the sheeting rain.

Nagisa blinked in shock. "Shizuma! That wasn't very nice! I'm telling on you!" She began to sing, "I'm telling, I'm telling, I'm telling, nyaaaahhh!" when the silver-haired vixen snatched her arm and pulled her close. "What the hell are you DOING, Shizuma?!"

"You swore?" Shizuma smirked. "How OOC of you."

"OOC?" Nagisa echoed.

"You know…'Out Of Character.' This is a fanfic, and OOC is fanfic terminology."

"'Terminology'?"

"Are you going to repeat everything I say or are you going to freaking French me already?" Shizuma demanded.

Nagisa retched. "Ugh, I _hate _French!"

_**KAPOW! **_"Ouchie!"

What had happened was Tamao came flying in wearing a blackbelt karate uniform, aiming a flying kick at Shizuma. The ball of her foot hit the Étoile's jaw and knocked some fillings loose. Shizuma fell out of the umbrella, into the deluge of Chikane's wrath.

But the Étoile wasn't done so easy. She came racing back to Tamao, blood gushing from her mouth. "You unbelievable bitch!" she roared. She aimed a kick at the poetic karate kid.

"Believe it!" Tamao screamed as she countered Shizuma's kick with a judo sweep. Shizuma hit the wet pavement hard, her head smacking it with a hollow _TWONK! _For safe measure, Tamao began kicking her head one time…or sixty. When she was finished the poet panted, "That'll teach you to molest my Nagisa-chan!" She bowed. "I am Suzumi Tamao, the best karate fighter in the prefecture!"

_Won't Nagisa-chan be impressed, _she thought with a grin. She looked up to see Nagisa spacing out.

"N-Nagisa-chan…? Didn't you see…?"

Nagisa snapped out of her trance. "Eh? Is there cake?"

"There's, uh…ice cream in the cafeteria…"

"That'll do," the redhead sighed. "Can we get sherbert? I like sherbert."

Lightning struck dangerously close overhead.

"It's SHER_BET, _you R-tard! Get it right or you're going to hell!" Chikane ranted.

* * *

Kagome ran through campus back to the Strawberry Dorms, the cold rain practically stabbing her face. Remon and Kizuna just HAD to have their stupid baseball bat on the first day of the Yuri Apocalypse. For this they would not only get beaten with the bat, they would get it shoved up their…

The rain obscured Kagome's vision and before she knew it she'd literally run into a redhead dressed in the Miator uniform and a blue-haired girl in a karate uniform.

"Oh! Are you okay?" the karate girl asked, helping Kagome up.

"Yeah…I'm fine…" The metallic bat slipped around in her hands from the rain. She struggled to keep hold of it.

Nagisa quickly assessed the situation. "Oh, you're only a first year and you were out in gym class when it started raining and now you're trying to head back to the dorms and my nose itches."

Tamao blinked. "That sentence was TOO LONG and that last part didn't fit."

"Well, exsqueeze me, Miss Literary Ace!" Nagisa shrugged off the spat and turned back to Kagome. "Here. Take our umbrella."

This upset Tamao. "Nagisa! We'll get wet!" She stopped and giggled. _We'll get wet._ She liked the sound of that.

The redhead sighed. "Tamao, we've lived fifteen peaceful years without a Yuri Apocalypse. This poor girl's only seen twelve."

Tamao nodded. "You're right. Here you go."

They gave Kagome the umbrella, the Lulim girl thanked them, and ran back off to the Strawberry Dorms.

* * *

It was unfortunate that the Goddess of Yuri was angry. It was unfortunate that there was an Apocalypse. It was unfortunate that nobody could say 'sherbet.' It was unfortunate that Nagisa's nose itched. But it was REALLY unfortunate when Chikane aimed a bolt of lightning at Kagome and it struck her right in the head, knocking her out cold.

When Kagome came to the rain had stopped. The sun was shining. Birds were tweeting the chorus melody of "I Kissed A Girl." People were out and about, happy. On a nearby wall someone had written I WANT TO MOTORBOAT YAYA'S…yeah. Do I have to finish that?

The Lulim girl slowly hauled herself up. Her head hurt. She was holding a baseball bat in one hand and a blue umbrella in another.

_Why do I have a baseball bat? _Kagome closed her eyes and tried to remember, but couldn't. _I should return this umbrella, though…But, uh…who lent it to me…? _She couldn't remember that either. But Kagome doubted it was important. It was a beautiful day; that was important. She hefted the baseball bat, tucked the umbrella under her arm, and skipped off yo the Strawberry Dorms, joining the birds in a good old whistling of I Kissed A Girl.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Yeah...Just me and my pervy mind. I'll admit it got out of hand in places.

Please review if you liked it! I had fun writing it, and I hope you had fun reading it! ^^

NEXT CHAPTER: The umbrella goes on its journey and winds up with Tsubomi. What will the umbrella see? Do we want to know? Can anyone in this series say "sherbet"? What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Why am I asking you these questions, some of which have nothing to do with this fic?


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I've searched my dorm exhaustively, and I don't seem to own Strawberry Panic! You could try the dorm next door; I coulda swore I heard "Girls Lost in a Maze" playing earlier...

* * *

**THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING UMBRELLA**

**Chapter Two**

Kagome's patent leather shoes slapped the pavement lightly. Her feet actually seemed to be carrying her somewhere, though she didn't know where. The last time her feet carried her somewhere automatically she'd ended up in the ladies room of Applebee's with Momomi.

Kagome's memory came back in a flash as she approached a triangular building. She had thought, _What a weird looking building. Do people actually live here? _Then she remembered: _Right. I live here. _Try as hard as she could, though, she couldn't remember where the hell she got that umbrella from.

Utterly lost and desperate, the Lulim girl assumed the Yuri praying position, which is when you lay on your back with your legs spread and your skirt up.

"Chikane-samaaaaa!" Kagome called up to the Goddess of Yuri. "Grant me my memory, please!"

"I can't," answered that omnipresent voice of Chikane.

"Well, why not?!" the first year cried. "I'm laying in this blasphemous and vulnerable — not to mention awkward — position for _you!_" She kicked her legs wildly, close to tears. "Don't you want my fanservice, Chikane-sama?"

"Actually, it's not that I don't…" Chikane sounded uncomfortable. "But, it's just…Himeko and I were about to sit down and watch Hamtaro and eat popcorn and make out. If she misses an episode of Hamtaro Himeko turns into a roaring bitch…"

"But…but that series is discontinued!"

Suddenly a bolt of cloud-to-ground lightning hit a tree branch, which fell and landed just inches from Kagome's head.

"Your mom is discontinued!" Himeko retorted.

Kagome shut up then. Himeko actually had the power to discontinue your mom, but she was usually more kind and gentle than that. Usually. But Kagome was getting the feeling that all was not well in Yuri Heaven, where Chikane and Himeko resided.

Tsubomi was just passing by, contemplating the spiciness of horseback sex, when she came across Kagome in her, um, Yuri praying position. The Spica girl's golden eyes gleamed mischievously.

"I really reeled you in talking about elevator machinery room secks, di'int I, Kagome?"

Kagome looked at her oddly. "Y'know, I don't like how horny you are in this fic. You used to be so modest and reserved."

"Well, shit happens when you spend too much time with Yaya-senpai," Tsubomi winked. She bent down and put her head between Kagome's legs. "Relax, ma'am, this is purely professional."

The Lulim girl squeaked and, half-involuntarily, dealt Tsubomi a purely professional kick to the head. Tsubomi fell backwards, and Kagome was upon her, belaboring her with the enigmatic blue umbrella. Violence was the only thing wee Kagome knew how to resort to in a situation like this, but truth be told, it just turned Tsubomi on.

"Yeah! Hit me, baby! Ouchie-wawa!" she cried as the umbrella smacked her head one last time, knocking her out cold. Frightened and crying, Kagome ran off, still toting her baseball bat.

From somewhere off-screen, Yaya laughed. "What goes around comes around, beyotch!"

* * *

Nearby Tamao was reading a new poem she had written for Nagisa-chan to Nagisa-chan.

_Roses are red, violets are blue  
So is Nagisa-chan's hair, and mine too!_

Tamao looked up proudly. "Very good, isn't it?" she smiled. "It took me a whole ten minutes to write — that is, after the two hours I spent masturbating to a fantasy of you eating a slice of plum cake—"

"CAKE! Me want, me, want, me want! CAAAAKE!" Nagisa cried.

The poet blinked. "D-did you even hear my—"

"Need…cake! I'm…having…butter-and-sugar withdrawal! I need cake!" And Nagisa passed out into torpor from not having enough cake, which she needed on a secondly basis.

Enter Shizuma. Who knows where the hell this bitch comes from in these moments? But she bounded in, her silver hair glittering in the sun, and scooped up Nagisa.

"What are you doing?" Tamao cried. "That's my love interest in this series! If you take HER away, whose measurements will I take? Whose screams will I record on cassette?"

"Try Yaya-san," said Shizuma. "From what I've heard her singing voice provides some excellent tones and dynamics for screaming. And her bust is 38."

The poet tapped her chin. "That's an idea, actually…" Then she glared. "But don't think I'm going to give up Nagisa-chan so easily, you two-faced slut-bomb whore! Don't forget who you're messing with!" Tamao spun around rapidly until she was wearing the blackbelt karate uniform. "Suzumi Tamao — the best karate fighter in the prefecture!"

"And I don't think you know who _you're _messing with, Suzumi," Shizuma spat. After she set Nagisa down on the pavement she spun around until she was wearing a black uniform and carrying a sword. "Hanazono Shizuma — the best wakizashi in the world!"

"You can't be a wakizashi! Your first name means 'garden,' for crying out loud!"

"Are you going to fight or what?"

"You bet I am! Bring it, bitch!"

* * *

"Took ya long enough!" Kizuna exclaimed as Kagome burst in. She now had Remon bound and gagged to a wooden chair. "Gimme the bat!" Hesitantly, Kagome held it out to her, and Kizuna snatched it.

"Aaaaalright, Remon-chan! Time for your cavity-search!"

Remon's eyes widened, and she shrieked into her gag. As Kizuna began to goose her, she sang, "_We're no strangers to looove! You know the rules, and so do I!_"

More and more of Kagome's memory was coming back, and she now remembered why she needed that bat: to kill Kizuna for her stupid goddamn Rick-Rolling. Now she regretted relenting that bat so easily. So she grabbed the next best thing to chuck at Kizuna's head: an encyclopedia. Unfortunately, her aim was off, and the huge book went crashing out the window. Kizuna looked up.

"Heeey! Fancy some out-the-window sex, Remon-chan?"

Remon's protests were muffled by her gag as Kizuna hauled her up.

* * *

Tamao blinked in shock as an encyclopedia came randomly falling from the sky and bashed Shizuma on the head. The Étoile hit the ground hard and went unconscious. The encyclopedia had landed open to an entry for "pwned."

The poet could hardly believe her luck. She doubted she could defeat a wakizashi with her bare hands. She took this as a sign from the Goddess of Yuri. She smiled upwards and whispered, "Thank you, Chikane-sama."

Chikane's reply was a bit delayed. "Mmm, move your leg, Himeko…Yeah, that's nice…Erm, what? Oh. Yeah. You're welcome…"

* * *

Tsubomi came to slowly. She dizzily sat up. She felt light-headed, her heart was racing, and she felt weak at the knees. That could only mean one thing…

"Was I just laid…?" she murmured. "I don't remember anything…Darn it, that's just not fair!"

Her mood brightened a bit when she noticed the umbrella. It was giving her an idea for the craziest…most taboo…unconventional lez sex ever! What if she found a hot girl, kind of a girl-next-door ponytail-Tshirt simple gal, took her into the shower with that umbrella, and tried to re-enact the Watergate scandal during sex. Oh, and it's a silent competition — whoever moans first loses.

Tsubomi grinned. _This will be awesome. Now to find that girl…_

You could find lots of hot girls in either the woods or the library. And seeing as it had just rained like crazy due to a brief Yuri Apocalypse, the library was probably the best option. Tsubomi grabbed her new umbrella and skipped over there, humming "Shut Up and Sleep With Me" to herself.

As usual, there was lots of yuri fanservice going on in the library. Tsubomi snorted. _Wannabe's…They have no clue that I _invented _yuri library sex! _She grunted disdainfully as she moved past two Spica girls going up each other's skirts while trying to read _Ivanhoe _at the same time. _How lame, _Tsubomi thought. _Everybody _knows _that _Utopia _is more challenging to read during sex…_

But one girl was doing something that even Tsubomi's dirty little brain had never thought of before. For once, she was actually impressed by the antics of the library.

"Chiyo-san!" she hissed. "Are you actually _videotaping _those girls?"

Chiyo looked up in shock. Then, self-consciously snapping the camcorder off, her eyes watered. "I'm sorry," she whimpered. "I just get so freakin' bored on library duty, and no one ever wants to do me!"

Tsubomi shook her head disapprovingly, for she had a Spica/Miator rivalry to uphold with this little creep. "You are so pathetic. You will never — I repeat, _never _— be as perverted as I, Okuwaka Tsubomi!"

"What makes you so great?" Chiyo shot back, rearing up to literally own Tsubomi in the face. "Being a pervert is more than just inventing stupid new positions and places to screw! You've gotta tap into other people's dirty lives! You've gotta get the whole deal!"

The Spican blinked in surprise. She hated to admit it, but Chiyo had a point. She held up her umbrella. "So let's get the whole picture. You bring your camera, I'll bring my umbrella, and we'll engage in oral sex in the showers."

Chiyo looked surprised. Not surprised by Tsubomi giving her the time of day to talk, let alone have sex, but… "Since when do you use clinical terms to talk about sex?"

"Clinical terms are in this season. If you were a better pervert, say like me, you would know that." Tsubomi checked her watch. "Now, I'm roughly 83 minutes overdue for weird SM yuri secks, so grab your goddamn camera and come with me!" She grabbed Chiyo by her green necktie (oh, wait. It's summer. Oh, well) and dragged her out of the library.

* * *

"Oh, this is it!" Himeko's excitement was boundless. "Hamtaro and Bijou are about to hold paws! This is so romantic!"

_What we could be doing now is romantic rather than watching a stupid anime about a bunch of gerbils, _Chikane thought. She laughed despite herself. _Gerbil _is such a funny word.

Suddenly the channel changed on its own. A little window popped up on the screen that said: YOUR RECORDING HAS NOW STARTED.

"What the…?" Himeko murmured. "What is this?"

"Oh! It's _Silence of the Lambs_. I set that up to record earlier this week," said Chikane.

"But…I wanted to watch Hamtaro…"

"It's okay," Chikane assured, grabbing the remote. "We can switch it back, and my movie will still record…" But when she switched back, Boss and Stan were frowning at Hamtaro and Bijou blushingly holding paws.

"I missed it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Himeko was about a red eye away from going berserk. "You and your stupid movies!" she ranted at Chikane. "I mean, _Silence of the Lambs_?! What kind of a freakin' title is THAT?" She sighed, and tried to massage away what had become a huge headache. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I shouldn't get mad at you…but if I don't do something about this I'll go crazy."

Chikane took Himeko's hand. "You know what I do when I'm angry?"

"Start a Yuri Apocalypse…?"

"Yep!" the black-haired girl grinned. "Because it's fun!"

Himeko sighed. "Apocalypse isn't exactly my style…but I'll try it. You already created a Monsoon, though. What happens after that?"

Chikane leaned in and told her lover what she had to do.

* * *

Things were getting hot'n'heavy in the shower when Chiyo cried out in alarm.

"Is the water too hot?" Tsubomi asked.

"No! It's syrup! Maple syrup!"

The Spican looked up to see the sweet brown liquid drenching her naked body. She groaned in fear. "This is the second sign of the Yuri Apocalypse…When the water turns to maple syrup…Why? Why are the Goddesses so angry?"

"Because I missed a crucial canon moment between two lovesick hamsters!" Himeko replied.

"The end is nigh," Chiyo sighed. "Let's hide away in my room!"

Chiyo and Tsubomi dashed out of the showers, leaving the umbrella behind them.

* * *

Oi...ChiyoxTsubomi, YayaxTamao, and KagomexMomomi. It really IS the end of the world...

I really hate it when Comcast DVR recordings conflict and someone's has to be cancelled, so I know Himeko's pain.

And I think one sign of the Apocalypse is water turning to blood...Must research the Apocalypse more...

NEXT CHAPTER: The umbrella goes to Hikari. What cracktacular things will she experience with the Traveling Umbrella?


	3. Chapter 3

My sincerest apologies, dear readers, that this update is late. I've been at band camp all week. Basically my entire day is consumed by the band directors' inflexible schedule. I'll have time in the evenings to update this week. But enough of that. On to the crack!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Strawberry Panic! or Kannazuki no Miko or Charlotte's Web or Loveless.

Have fun trying to guess how those four things piece together lol.

**THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING UMBRELLA**

**Chapter Three**

Chikane's blue eyes turned upward as the Yuri Heaven elevator moved upward to the top floor of the Yuri Heaven Management building. Being the Goddesses, Prophets, and supreme deities of Yurism, she and Himeko were more than obliged to rip off each other's clothes and get it on in the elevator. But this was a serious situation they were in. And it was Wednesday — no one ever gets it on in a dirty crackfic on a Wednesday. Right?

"Why are we heeeeeerrrre?" Himeko whined.

"I told you, like, a bajillion times already!" Chikane sighed.

"Bajillion's not a numbeeeeerrrr!"

"Whatever…"

Himeko wrapped her arms around her fellow Prophet (is it Prophette when female?) and nuzzled her neck. "I forgot, okay, Chikane? Where are we goooooing?"

Chikane smiled, enjoying the feeling of having Himeko so close to her. But this was really a very, very serious situation. She had no time for Himeko's games today. She folded her arms angrily. "I'm not even telling you now!"

"Chikaneeee! I love yoooouuu!"

The black-haired girl cleared her throat. _She's a pain…but she's my fellow Prophet, _she thought fondly. _Being a Prophet with someone like Himeko is wanting to kiss her and strangle her at the same time._

"Okay…For the gazillionth time…" She glared at Himeko before the blonde girl could point out that gazillion isn't a number (though Microsoft Word Processor 7 doesn't mark it as misspelled). "…we're going to see Sumiko-sama about our rent."

"Yuri Heaven is rent-controlled?"

"Yes."

"I did not know that."

"Because you never pay the rent, yet I always have to take you with me whenever I have to go kiss Sumiko's ass to keep us from getting kicked out."

Himeko hummed. "I don't like Sumiko. She's scary, and you do all the talking anyway."

"I think she hates us," Chikane sighed. "But, I mean, it's not our fault that we have to come here every month and charm our way through, right?"

When Himeko didn't answer the raven-haired Prophet turned to face her. Himeko was in Space Cadet mode, her violet eyes fixed intently on nothing in particular. A string of drool oozed from the corner of her mouth.

"Can't you be serious for just one minute?!" Chikane ranted.

"I like elevators…"

* * *

Meanwhile back in the normal perverted yuritastic world of Astraea Hill, Yaya was leading a blindfolded Hikari through the hallways. It was, after all, the blonde Spican's sixteenth birthday, and her best friend had cooked up the most sweet, most awesome, and the most hawt sweet sixteen birthday surprise for her.

"I like surprises," Hikari smiled as she pawed out ahead of her. "Almost as much as I like elevators…" She blanked out a moment, thinking about how great it would be to lead Amane into an elevator with a handbag where her beloved androgynous horseback rider would beat her senseless with said handbag and nail her right then and there. According to Tsubomi, elevator sex was the hottest thing going, and our favorite blonde dimwit was always a fan of unconscious sex.

Hikari came back to reality when she felt her hand graze something soft and round. "Oh!" she squeaked. "What is that? Is that my surprise?"

"No, that was my boob," said Yaya. _But it can be your surprise if you want it, my retarded blonde blue-eyed moronic glomptoy! _"I mean, jeez, Hikari-chan, that's, like, the vagillionth time you've touched my boobs today. I'm beginning to think it means something."

"I-it doesn't! I'm blindfolded and I like Amane and elevators and having the crap beaten out of me, not to mention _The Secret Life of the American Teenager _and pennies! Also, my hair's naturally curly and my nose itches and it's Wednesday!"

"Okay, Miss ADD. Calm down." Yaya grinned as they halted in front of the ladies room. "We're here!"

"Can I take my blindfold off? Sometimes I think my eyes get bluer when they're exposed to light and carrots are good for your eyes and Bugs Bunny eats too many carrots so—"

"No. Leave the blindfold on. It's part of your surprise…"

* * *

Tamao was in the Miator cafeteria, drinking José Cuervo straight from the bottle. After Himeko turned all the water to maple syrup, the staff had no choice but to serve liquor in the cafeteria. While she drank the poet worked on a new poem about how Nagisa eats cake. It was going fairly well so far.

_When Nagisa-chan eats cake  
It makes me want to make  
Love to her until she explodes  
I can't think of a word that rhymes with "explodes"_

_When Nagisa-chan eats cake  
It's more than I can take  
I know this all sounds corny,  
But what do you expect when I'm horny?_

_When Nagisa-chan eats cake  
It better be the one I baked  
'Cause if Chikane forbid she ate  
Shizuma's cake I'll…do something terrible_

_When Nagisa-chan eats cake  
Oh fuck this I'm so drunk I hardly know a cake from a doorknob anymore._

Tamao coughed, feeling the tequila burn her throat pleasantly. She decided to hold off on the drinking for now — her liver needed time to digest.

She looked up in surprise when she heard the telltale clank of silverware on the table; someone was joining her. That someone was Shizuma. The Étoile set down a bowl of Cheerios with Bailey's.

"What are you doing here?" Tamao protested. "Where in the world do you come from in these situations? Why is your hair silver? Didn't anyone tell you that everyone in this series has blue hair?!"

Shizuma chewed her spiked Cheerios (there's a sentence I never thought I'd type). Her celery-colored eyes seemed reflective. She spoke, "I'm here to bug you, I come straight from Saturn which is the Yuri capital of the galaxy apparently, and my hair is silver because I worry too much about excessive weight gain."

Tamao narrowed her amethyst eyes. "Where's Nagisa?"

"Passed out, naked and bound to my bed if I'm not mistaken," Shizuma responded. "I have to worry quite a bit about raping her, too. I'm scared that she won't be able to sleep at night if she hasn't been raped during the day."

The poet's fists came crashing down on the table. "You unbelievable bitch!" She was about to go into karate-Tamao mode when Shizuma stopped her.

"Listen, Suzumi. I think it's time you and I talked like normal people…"

* * *

"We're going to shower together…?" Hikari asked. "But…but Amane-senpai…"

"I am better than her," Yaya insisted, undoing the buttons of Hikari's blouse. "You DO know that Amane-senpai can't get it up?"

"She has erectile dysfunction? But — but—"

"And she's straight," Yaya added matter-of-factly.

Hikari's eyebrows shot up over her blindfold. "How can she be straight? She's, like, the butchiest character in this series, next to that metaphorical one with the black hair."

"Kaname?"

"Yeah."

"Well, apparently Tsubomi had a tryst with Amane in the horse stalls. Soft as a pillow, straight as an arrow. And if anybody in this fic would know, it's Tsubomi."

Yaya frowned. There was just something morally unwholesome about the pink-haired weasel coupling with that drag king. She was just trying to picture the scenario when she spied a blue umbrella on the floor. Then she realized something.

"Oh! Right! This is important to the plot!" Yaya picked it up and pressed it into Hikari's palms. "Here. Now you may take off your blindfold."

Hikari grimaced as she felt something sticky in her hands. She hated the feeling of sticky things. It reminded her of how Kaname felt all those times she tried to rape the poor girl. Hesitantly she removed her blindfold.

"An umbrella? You're giving me an umbrella for my sixteenth birthday?"

"Yep. According to TamaoxNagisa4EVER's spoiler in the last chapter you were to get the Traveling Umbrella next."

"Okay, but really — for my freakin' birthday? It's mundane, it's useless, it's blue!"

"So…?"

"So I love it! Thanks, Yaya-chan! You're a good friend!" And she hugged the raven-haired Spican, smacked a quick friendly kiss on her cheek, and skipped out of the bathroom. "I'm gonna go show Amane-senpai!"

"You do that," Yaya smiled, still a bit dazed by the kiss. "But remember! Soft as an arrow, straight as a pillow — wait, that's wrong…" This frustrated Yaya because Hikari's supposed to be the stupid one, not her. Yaya got even more angry when she realized that in her concern for this crackfic's plot she'd forgotten to bone Hikari. She decided to vent this out on Tsubomi…

* * *

"You and I really are not so different, Tamao-san," said Shizuma, stealing the poet's bottle of tequila. "We have the same taste in girls at least." She cracked open the bottle and took a long pull. "There's us, who like to live dangerously…and then there's Nagisa."

"Kind of the opposite of living dangerously, eh?" Tamao mumbled, keeping an eye on Shizuma.

"You have no idea…" Shizuma finished the tequila and tossed the bottle away. It hit Hikari, who was skipping by with her new umbrella, square on the head. But because Hikari's head is denser than lead and she already had no active brain cells it didn't make her faint. She just giggled, continued her raunchy AmanexStar Bride fantasy, and continued skipping.

"I mean that literally," said the Étoile. "You have _no idea _how far Nagisa is from living dangerously. Because you've never slept with her. You've never even kissed her."

"Considering that you haven't won a single fight in this crackfic, you'd think you'd stop trying to bait me," Tamao said hotly.

"Maybe I will win by the end of this story."

"And maybe I will have slept with Nagisa by the end of this story."

"That would imply a future beyond the next couple chapters," said Shizuma, standing up. "So do you want to fight and get it over with?"

The poet's eyes narrowed and she grinned. "I've been waiting for this…"

* * *

Hikari arrived at the horse stalls to find that Amane was not there. Star Bride was in his usual stall, nickering and snorting, realizing that his hooves were used to make gelatin. This freaked the poor white horse out and he whinnied.

"It's okay, Star Bride-kun," Hikari assured, rubbing his snout. "I'm not into bestiality." Except where Amane was concerned, but Amane's not here right now. She's probably on Saturn, polishing its rings…ring polishing…nice…

Then Hikari found a note taped to Star Bride's stall. Unfortunately Hikari couldn't read and so had to rely on a rat named Templeton to read it to her.

"I'm not doing this for free," Templeton snarled. "What am I getting out of this?"

"What would you like?" Hikari asked.

"I generally prefer trash…"

"I can…give you fanservice…"

"That'll do."

So while Hikari treated Templeton to a boob wink he read: "_Dear Hikari-kun, I've gone to fetch a newspaper clipping for Charlotte to weave in her web. She requested something explicit with lots of yaoi references. Please feed Star Bride for me. Thank you. Love, Amane._" Templeton wrinkled his nose. "Well, isn't that sweet."

"Aww, you think so?" Hikari smiled.

"Uhh, no."

"Because I really love Amane-senpai and yaoi and corn on the cob and—"

"I _said _I didn't think it was sweet. Now shut up."

"Okay…"

After feeding Star Bride, Hikari let the white horse out to run around a little bit. Star Bride was happy because at last he would get to run around without the feeling of Amane's testicles grinding into his back. At that moment another equestrian, a boy-girl like Amane, was letting his horse out for some free time, too. This horse was named Pepper and was cream-colored.

"Hello," the nameless equestrian greeted Hikari.

"Fadoogi!" Hikari said brightly.

"Uhh, what…?"

"It's the language of my new religion, Neo-Yurism―"

A bolt of lightning flashed over Hikari's head.

"Don't you dare branch from our religion!" Chikane snapped.

"Sorry. Just an idea I had while painting my toe nails brown and watching _Girls Gone Wild _with Yaya-chan. She said it was for my birthday, but it was kind of a rapey birthday present, but then I'm used to rape, I suppose―"

Chikane snapped a bolt at the writer.

TamaoXNagisa4EVER blinked. "H-hey! Why are you aiming lightning bolts at ME?!"

"Make her stop, I'm begging you!" Chikane pleaded. "I can't take much more Hikari ADD bullshit! Probably your readers would agree!"

"Oh, alright…" TamaoXNagisa4EVER promised to stop making Hikari so fucking random and continued to type her fic.

Hikari smiled, watching Star Bride and Pepper frolic together. "Aww, it's so cute! Look at how affectionate Star Bride is with her!"

The equestrian coughed. "Erm, yes. Very cute. But, uhh…Pepper's a _boy._"

The blonde Spican took a few minutes to process this information. Then it dawned on her. She smiled upward. "Thank you, God of Yaoi!"

"You're welcome," responded Ritsuka.

* * *

The Tamao vs Shizuma fight ended in Tamao's favor when the poet kicked the Étoile so far she saw the curvature of the earth.

"That's what tequila can do for you!" Tamao grinned. "I love tequila because it's real-eh! Oh yeah, I can SO rhyme now!" And she sat down to finish writing her hentai Nagisa eats cake poem.

* * *

Back in Yuri Heaven two Goddesses were going to see their landlady, Sumiko, who was kind of a scary woman. Sumiko was the only woman no loyal Yurist wants to sleep with.

"I'll get right to the point, ladies," said Sumiko. "Our landlady-tenant relationship has been of late rather _strained. _Is that a fair assessment?"

"I-I suppose…" Chikane stuttered.

Sumiko wordlessly consulted her file. "So…apparently you are caught up on the rent."

"That's impossible!"

"…because you signed a year-long annual contract starting in August and _this is your last month._"

Chikane and Himeko looked at each other wide-eyed. "Our lease is up…" Himeko practically whispered.

Sumiko continued, "As per our contract, you can stay and pay month to month, or you can leave. And if you're leaving, you'll have to be out by the 9th."

"That's in less than a week!" Chikane spluttered.

The landlady shrugged indifferently.

"Who will be the Goddess of Yuri?" Himeko asked.

"I leave that up to you," said Sumiko. "Now get out of my office."

In the elevator Himeko murmured, "Chikane…? I-I'm scared…"

"I am, too," Chikane admitted.

"Chikane?"

"Hm?"

"Who will we pick for the new Goddess of Yuri?"

"I've no idea…"

"Chikane?"

"Yes?"

"Astraea Hill's an option…"

"I'll consider it."

"Chikane?"

"Yes, Himeko?"

"Do you want to have sex?"

"Well, of course! I've been waiting for you to ask that!"

* * *

Hmm, it seems my crackfic is developing a plot. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. I've just been so swamped with band camp. I think this is an okay chapter. I don't think it's as good as chapters 1 and 2.

NEXT CHAPTER: Chikane and Himeko think about choosing a Goddess. The Traveling Umbrella goes to Kaname and Momomi. Hikari's hair is naturally curly. Star Bride is gay. Nagisa's nose itches. And where the hell have Tsubomi and Chiyo been? They better not be doing it because it's a Wednesday, goddamnit. Nobody gets it on in a crackfic on a Wednesday. Don't they know anything?! And they call themselves perverts!

**Tamao: **Take a breather there, soldier. It's just a crackfic.

**TamaoXNagisa4EVER: **I'm tired from band camp... *cries*

Hey. Band Camp. That's a crackfic in of itself. Alright, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Umbrella will have a cracktacular sequel! :D


	4. Chapter 4

Here's chapter four. Because I'm running out of ideas, the next chapter after this will be the last. I had some fun writing this, turning it into a Strawberry Panic / Kannazuki no Miko / Secret Life crossover.

DISCLAIMER: It's chapter four of this crack and you STILL think I own Strawberry Panic!, Kannazuki no Miko, Loveless, and The Secret Life of the American Teenager? Get a clue. I don't own any of it.

I'm in serious bitch mode today... It'll pass, I'm sure...

* * *

**THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING UMBRELLA**

**Chapter Four**

Yaya ran through the hallways of Strawberry Dorms, which would be a punishable offense in private school, but this is a crackfic _and _a Wednesday so that would be pardoned. The brunette was furious. She had come so close to having steamy delicious yuri showersecks with Hikari only to have it ruined by Tsubomi and Amane. For this the little brat would pay…

As she rounded a corner she ran smack into little Byakudan Kagome. I was beginning to wonder where she had been. The Lulim girl was already in a foul mood after listening to Remon talk about holistic healing and stinkbugs, and her run-in with Yaya didn't improve her humor much. Kagome knew she had to get Chikaru-oneesama to start the Conspiracy to Kill Remon and Kizuna and Tsubomi and Yaya Club.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Yaya cried, helping the kouhai up. "Can I do anything to make this up to you?"

"Well, I have to return an umbrella to someone who lent it to me—" Kagome cut herself short (and since it's little Kagome, very VERY short) and stared at Yaya. "Wait. I remember you. Weren't you the girl who introduced the sin of saying sherbet like 'sherbert' to me back in July?"

"That was three days ago," Yaya corrected.

"Oh. My mistake. It's just TamaoXNagisa4EVER took such an f-ing long-ass time to update." Kagome glared up at the writer, and decided to get Chikaru-oneesama to start the Conspiracy to Kill Remon and Kizuna and Tsubomi and Yaya and TamaoXNagisa4EVER Club.

Someone hide me.

"…So, have you seen that umbrella around? It's mundane and useless and blue."

"Can't say I have."

"Okay, then." _This is just not my day, _the Lulim girl thought irritably. She sighed, feeling close to tears.

"Hey, where's your bear?" Yaya asked.

Kagome looked up with a quizzical flash in her green eyes.

"The bear…" the Spican repeated. "You know…Pashibaru…"

At that moment a teddy bear flew in from out of nowhere and smacked Kagome in the face. The force of Pashibaru's airborne entry was so great that the Lulim girl fell back, unconscious.

"There! Ya happy?!" TamaoXNagisa4EVER snarled. _Conspire to kill me, huh? _she thought as she continued to type.

Yaya ran away to find Tsubomi. She was quite certain that the pinkette was getting it on with someone on a Wednesday, probably the deadliest sin in Yurism with saying "sherbert" running a close second. Seeing as her mother was a Yuri church Mother Superior in Osaka, Yaya considered it her duty to punish the pink-haired heathen.

Once Yaya had departed a tall girl with black hair and blue eyes entered the scene. In her wake followed a shy blonde girl with purple eyes. They were on the prowl for a new Goddess of Yuri. And a super-hawt new place to go down on each other. Himeko gave a startled squeak as she tripped over Kagome and fell flat on her face.

"Himeko! Are you okay?" Chikane dashed forward and turned her lover over; Himeko's eyes were replaced with virtual dizzy-swirls.

"I'm on Saturn…" Himeko whispered dazedly, "and there are waffles…with square-shaped holes…Why square-shaped…? Why is everything so damn square-shaped…? I hate square-shaped things, but I luuuuurve elevators." And she passed out cold.

Chikane had to admit: there was indeed something quite smexy about two unconscious girls laying on top of each other. It was even smexier that one of them was her nearest and dearest love. It was a sin to do something perverted on a Wednesday, but seeing as stupid Sumiko was kicking her and Himeko to the curb, Chikane decided she no longer cared about the damn rules. In fact, she was going to break as many of them as possible.

"Sherbert!" she screamed as she hauled the unconscious Himeko up. "I love sherbert!" She lightly pushed Kagome along with her foot as she moved forward. She knew someone who would appreciate some unconscious sex right now. "I hate elevators! Hamtaro sucks! Ointment! Froot Loops! Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

* * *

"Tsubomi-chan…?" Chiyo whispered.

"What? What do you want now?"

The two of them were hiding under Tsubomi's bed. The Spican had yoinked her room mate's mattress and laid it square against the side of her bed. She wore a hockey helmet and gloves. Chiyo wore a catcher's mask and carried a baseball bat Kizuna had kindly given her earlier that day. This was their preparation for the Yuri Apocalypse.

"I was wondering…If the signs of a Yuri Apocalypse are a monsoon and turning the water to maple syrup, what are the signs of a Yaoi Apocalypse?"

"Why are you asking _me _this?"

"Because you claim to be such a good pervert." Chiyo glared at Tsubomi. "You know, perverts are very educated in Yurism _and _Yaoism, whether they believe in the religion or not. Or were you too busy thinking up stupid sex positions to realize that?"

"Oh! And I suppose _you _have the foggiest idea, O Queen of Perverts?" Tsubomi shot back.

"No."

"Well, then…"

"But your hair's pink!"

"I think…" Tsubomi's gold eyes turned upward as she rubbed her chin. "I think one sign of a Yaoi Apocalypse is that it rains cats."

"Cats?" Chiyo blinked. "But cats are harmless!"

Suddenly a black cat dropped from the sky and hit Chiyo on the head. With a yowl the cat clawed up her face and scurried off.

"Your face is harmless!" Ritsuka snapped.

* * *

Hikari's excitement was boundless by the time Amane came back. (I'm going to start calling Amane "Sir.") She was dancing around the horsepens, twirling around, and singing in that angelic voice of hers.

"_Falling in love…is such an easy thing to do  
Birds can do it, we can do it  
Let's stop talkin', let's get to it…  
Let's fall in love!"_

She stopped abruptly when a donkey shot its back legs out at her, sending her flying toward Sir. The two of them landed in a very comprimising position; Hikari was on top of Sir with her yoni right in Sir's face.

"What the hell were you singing?" Sir asked.

"The opening theme of _The Secret Life of the American Teenager_!" Hikari responded brightly. "D'ya like it?"

"No. I hate it."

That was when a girl with long brown hair put back in a headband and toting a crying baby came on the scene. Hikari's jaw dropped when she saw her, and the teenage mother put her signature dagger-glare on Sir.

"Well, you're just a Care Bear, then," Amy said deadpan.

Remember how earlier I said that the deadliest sin in Yurism is to be perverted on a Wednesday? Scratch that. It's to call someone a Care Bear on a Wednesday. Sir's eyes widened.

"You unbelievable bitch! You'll pay for this! CHIKANE! Kill this blasphemous bitch!"

Nothing happened. The baby sobbed.

Sir blinked. "Why…didn't Chikane kill you? You should've been struck by lightning. I…I don't understand…"

"Oh, didn't you hear?" Amy smirked. "Chikane's finished. Himeko, too. Yurism as we know it is done."

"How would you know? And where did you come from?"

"I came from Saturn, the Yuri capital of the galaxy. And I had decided to convert, but it seems Chikane was not there to bless me…"

This was news to Hikari. "Amy-chan! Y-you're a Yuri girl? B-but…Ricky-kun…Ben-kun…"

For the first time Amy seemed to notice Hikari. "You're a fan of the Amicky pairing?"

"Yes! I hate Ben!"

"Well, those days are over. I've fallen for someone new. A cute Japanese girl with silver hair…Now I must find her…" And Amy departed to do just that.

"I wonder what Molly Ringwald will have to say about that…" Hikari sighed.

"You, uh, looked like you wanted to tell me something, Hikari-kun," said Sir.

The blonde Spican's mood brightened considerably at that. She jumped up and waved her arms around. "Amane-senpai! Amane-senpai! My nose itches and it's Wednesday and sherbert is supposed to be sherbet (damnit!) and Star Bride is a Yaoi horse!"

Sir had a tendency to space out during Hikari's ADD moments, but he caught that last part. "What?! Whaddya MEAN Star Bride's a Yaoi horse?"

* * *

Tamao ran through the hallways of Strawberry Dorms, trying to find Nagisa. According to the evil bitch princess, otherwise known as Shizuma, the cute redhead could be found in her room, bound and naked in her bed.

She ran into a girl carrying a baby on the way there. The girl glowered at her and yelled, "Watch where you're going, slut! You could've hurt Jon!"

"B-but it's Wednesday! This stuff is pardoned on a Wednesday!"

Amy rolled her eyes. "Am I seriously the only one here who knows? And you call yourselves loyal Yurists…" And with an exasperated grunt, Amy continued on her way.

Tamao had no time to be bothered by Amy, who is the bitchiest character in _The Secret Life of the American Teenager. _She continued running. If only she could remember where Shizuma's room was. She tried opening every door in the hallway, but stopped after she saw three girls engaging in some, er, XXX activity (I'm running out of sex jokes…)

Eventually she found Shizuma's room, but the door was locked. She had to find some way to open that door. She tried ramming her shoulder against it. The result: nothing. She tried using a baseball bat. The result: nothing. She was just about to give up when…

"Need some help?"

Tamao nearly jumped out of her skin. It wasn't the voice that surprised her so much, but the nature of the voice. Low-pitched, resonant. A male voice. She spun around to find a skinny boy with a big nose, brown hair, and wide brown eyes. He looked like Bob Saget.

"How the hell did you get on campus?" Tamao demanded. "This is a girls' school."

The boy, named Ben Bokiewicz, seemed hardly fazed by Tamao's outburst. Amy's bitchery had him trained. He blinked. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. You just looked like you needed some help — and, um, by help I mean assistance in opening that door, which is apparently locked for if it weren't you wouldn't still be out here and I wouldn't be offering you my help, which would be assistance in opening—"

"Okay okay. I get it." Tamao backed away from the door to let Ben stand in front of it. "You can open it? Be my guest."

"Alright." Ben stepped forward. "See, the trick isn't to ram it. The trick is to be really annoying." And Ben became as annoying as TamaoXNagisa4EVER's patience would allow. If anyone knows how to be annoying, it's Ben Bokiewicz.

"Hello, door. I suppose you're wondering why I'm at a girls' school — and by girls' school I mean a religious school exclusively for adolescent females. Well, you see, I was on Pluto, which is the Yaoi capital of the galaxy, converting to Yaoism — and by Yaoism, I'm referring to a made-up Japanese religion advocating anal sex between two males — and Ritsuka told me I could find my Amy here — and by here, I mean Astraea Hill, that girls' school I referred to earlier, and a girls' school is a religious school exclusively for ad—"

At that moment the door swung open.

Tamao clapped her hands giddily. "Oh, hooray! You were super-annoying! Thank you!"

"Well…" Ben blushed. "You're welcome, and by 'you're welcome,' I mean—"

But Tamao had already dashed into the room and slammed the door behind her. Ben shrugged and ran off to find Amy.

In Shizuma's room Tamao struggled to wake up Nagisa, who was still out cold. The redhead's wrists were bound to the headframe of the bed by some satiny material. The poet tried everything. She screamed at Nagisa, she poured cold water on her face, she fingerbanged Nagisa (which gave the redhead an unconscious orgasm, but she stayed out after that). Tamao was at a loss when she got an idea. She laid a hand on Nagisa's soft smooth cheek and became annoying, as Ben Bokiewicz taught her to.

"Hi, Nagisa-chan. I'm here to be incredibly obnoxious, and by obnoxious I mean —"

Nagisa's eyelids fluttered open.

"Well, that didn't take much," Tamao mused.

"My patience is spent," TamaoXNagisa4EVER said apologetically.

Nagisa wriggled her nose. "Mmmm," she whined, "my nose itches, and I can't scratch it."

"Why is your nose always so damn itchy?" Tamao fumed. "Do you want some hypercortisone for it?"

"I don't know why my nose itches. Maybe it's important to the plot."

"This crackfic has a plot…?" Tamao stopped herself. _Of course it does. And I'm interfering with a major plot point. _"Nagisa, I love you. Be mine forever." And she kissed Nagisa.

"Of course I will," Nagisa smiled when the poet pulled back. "Really, I only hooked up with Shizuma because she has an incredible rack. But I love you for your mind…and your cute butt."

Tamao awkwardly embraced Nagisa. She'd gotten what she wanted, though at the same time she wished there was someone out there who loved Shizuma for her mind…

* * *

...And there will be, but that's for the next chapter.

Anyone ever seen The Secret Life of the American Teenager? It is seriously the most WTF series I've ever seen. The Secret Life is like a crackfic. And I'm a die-hard Amy/Ricky fan. Ben's more or less a cuckold in that series...

**Kaname: **Uhh...That's it...? But I didn't get the umbrella!

**Me: **Oops. Well, there's always the next chapter.

NEXT CHAPTER: Why does Nagisa's nose itch? Why does Hikari's nose itch? What do Ben and Amy have to do with Nagisa and Shizuma? Why did I quit band so I could keep typing this crack? Why is the earth round? Why am I tired and hungry?

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT AND FINAL CHAPTER! WOO-HOOOOO!


	5. Chapter 5

Here it is: the epic conclusion of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Umbrella! And good thing, too; I'm fresh out of ideas.

DISCLAIMER: Yay! The last one! Gotta make it sound cool somehow...Umm...I don't own Strawberry Panic! or Kannazuki no Miko or The Secret Life of the American Teenager or Lucky Star.

So original...T-T

* * *

**THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING UMBRELLA**

**Chapter Five**

Kaname and Momomi were on the prowl as usual. They had heard from a bitchtastic American teenager with a baby that the Goddesses of Yuri, Chikane and Himeko, were finished and looking for someone to take their place. And since our favorite Spican criminals' egos are as outsized as Will Smith's, they believed that they should be the next Goddesses.

"Now that Toumori's out of the way, we can concentrate on Amane," Kaname grinned.

"I'm worried, though," Momomi admitted. "I think any sensible student will notice the weird smell coming from her room…"

The black-haired girl sighed. "Momomi, a police officer never _wants _to kill a criminal, but he knows he _has _to. He has no choice."

Momomi frowned. "Is that a metaphor?"

"Yep."

"Well, I guess it fits…"

"I'm so glad you approve." (She really was.)

They pressed onward through the Perverted Forest, ignoring the moans and groans from horny Astraea Hill students doing the deed. Eventually their feet brought them automatically to the horsepens. Momomi sighed with relief; the last time her feet took her somewhere automatically she had ended up in the ladies room of Applebee's with Kagome.

And there they found Sir and Hikari arguing.

"_Disgusting?!_" Hikari cried. "But, Amane-senpai, Star Bride's your horse! You love him!"

Sir sighed. "I know—"

"And I'm sixteen even though I'm a third year so that probably means I flunked a grade and your name sounds like 'a man' and I like to sing but Yaya-chan keeps making me sing 'The Bad Touch.' I'm not sure why but I love elevators and pennies and—"

The same donkey that kicked Hikari in Chapter Four kicked her again, and Hikari got back on topic. She hugged Star Bride's neck.

"Amane-senpai, Star Bride loves you. He just wants you to accept him."

Sir shook his head. "I can't do that. And if I can't accept who Star Bride is and who he loves, he won't be happy." The equestrian looked down. "I'm going to have to give him up to someone else."

Hikari's blue eyes widened. "You're disowning Star Bride…?"

Sir tilted his head. "Why do people with blue eyes always look like their eyes are so big?"

"I don't know but carrots are good for them."

"I'll remember that. Now, Hikari-kun, let Star Bride out of his stall so I can sell him."

Our favorite dumb blonde shook her head. "I can't do that."

Kaname entered the horsepens, shaking her head. She set down a boombox, pressed the play button, and the Lucky Star theme started playing. Kaname danced along with the theme until the irrate donkey, who hates Lucky Star, kicked the boombox all the way to Saturn.

On Saturn a smallish girl with blue hair was tricking a purple-haired tsundere into some kinky bondage S/M yurisecks. Konata had just lured Kagami into the grip of reason when a Sony boombox came flying in and hit Kagami on the head. She passed out cold.

Konata eyed the boombox curiously. "Where did this come from?" she wondered out loud. She pressed play and bopped her head in time with the catchy song. "I totally just officially decided that this song is super-awesome. Almost as awesome as the Haruhi theme. What anime is this from?"

"OUR ANIME!" Kagami snapped, coming around.

Momomi stared out at Saturn from where she stood just outside the horsepens. "That was totally random."

"And too long," Kaname finished. "Now! Back to the REAL plotline." She turned to Sir. "Amane, I'm disappointed in you! We all know what you really do when you're bathing Star Bride!"

Hikari's nose started to bleed.

"…But if you're going to be such a bitch and a half to poor Star Bride, I think I should have him."

"Okay, take him," Sir conceded.

And so it was decided. Kaname jumped on Star Bride, Momomi got on behind her, and they rode off into the sunset while Mary McBride's "No One's Gonna Love You Like Me" played. Sir shook his head in disbelief.

"I just can't believe my horse is gay."

Hikari snorted. "Well, what do you expect from a male horse named Star _Bride_?"

Sir realized something. "We have to get him back! I've totally officially decided that I love my big gay horse. Let's go!"

As they ran off Konata sighed, "Amane-san has been stealing material…"

"Well, it's not like you've got that 'totally officially' catch-phrase copyrighted," Kagami reasoned.

"Ehh, you're right…"

* * *

Tsubomi jumped in alarm when she heard a soft _thump! _at her door. Both she and Chiyo were on edge, and because it was a Wednesday neither of them could get it on to alleviate that stress.

"Okuwaka-san…?"

The pinkette froze. "Oh no," she whispered.

"It's Chikane-sama," Chiyo realized. With an effort, she pushed the mattress aside. She tried to crawl out, but Tsubomi snatched the hem of her uniform and yanked her back under the bed.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I have to get the door!" Chiyo insisted. "It's rude to keep Chikane-sama waiting, especially on a Wednesday!"

"That only applies to yuri fanservice! Now sit your amateur-pervert ass down!"

"Why are you so scared?"

Tsubomi's eyes widened. "Where've you BEEN for the past four chapters? There's a Yuri Apocalypse going on! If Chikane's at my door, she's probably here to take my soul and bear it to Hell!"

Another knock. "Okuwaka-san, I have a present for you, a very sexy present…"

Again, Chiyo tried to get up, but Tsubomi still held her down.

"I told you not to get the damn door!"

"But she said she had a present!"

"She could be lying!"

"The Goddess of Yuri can't lie."

"Yes, she can!"

Chiyo was quiet a moment. "She can't lie about sex," she corrected.

Tsubomi sighed. The Miator librarian was right. She hated it when Chiyo was right. She was still holding on to the hem of her uniform when Chiyo darted toward the door. The bottom half of her uniform tore off with a terrific _ssshhhhrrrrrppp!_

Nothing daunted despite the cold wind slapping her bare…legs, yeah we'll say legs, Chiyo blithely threw the door open. "Chikane-samaaaa! I love you!"

She cried out in alarm at the sexy present Chikane bore: the unconscious form of Kagome. Over her shoulder she carried the also unconscious Himeko, but Chiyo doubted Chikane would give Himeko away as a sexy present.

"I hear unconscious sex is in this season," Chikane grinned. "But it seems you were busy with other matters." She nodded toward Chiyo's panties.

Tsubomi clapped a hand over her open mouth. She realized how this looked. It looked like she and Chiyo were playing slap and tickle! On a Wednesday!

"Ch-Chikane-sama! It's, uh, not how it looks!" Seeing the playful expression on Chikane's face, Tsubomi blinked. "Erm…Aren't you mad? It _is _a Wednesday."

"It's not my duty to punish you anymore. I'm looking for a replacement Goddess of Yuri—"

Several insanely random and perverted things happened at that moment. Tamao came down the hall, toting a still-naked and still-bound Nagisa. Kaname and Momomi came bounding in on Star Bride with Sir and Hikari following in their wake. Shizuma came running to her room with a horny Amy being dragged along on the Étoile's hem. Konata and Kagami came flying in straight from Saturn, talking about which ear Konata hears better out of (her right ear, and don't you forget it, damnit!)

"Suzumi!" Shizuma cried in disbelief. "What are you doing with Nagisa? That's my favorite rape victim!"

"Gomen nasai, Étoile-sama," Nagisa practically whispered. "But I love Tamao-chan for her mind and her butt."

"Besides," said Tamao, "it looks like you've found someone else."

Shizuma cringed. "More like someone else found me." She glared at Amy, who sobbed, "I…just…want…Shizuma's…happiness!!!"

"Kaname! I want my gay horse back!" Sir exclaimed.

"Yeah?" Kaname snarled. "Well, what are you going to give me for it?"

"Fanservice?" Sir offered. Ew.

"Not enough."

"An umbrella?" Hikari offered, holding it out.

"Fanservice and an umbrella…" Kaname tapped her chin. "Well, since the Dutch paid twenty-four dollars' worth of trinkets for New York, I'll take it."

As the exchange was made, Momomi asked, "Was that another metaphor?"

"Yep."

"That didn't fit."

"Your mom doesn't fit."

Kagome came around then. She saw the umbrella and gasped, "That's the umbrella! I have to give it back to that one karate girl!"

"Oh, yeah." Tamao realized something. "I haven't gone into karate mode in a long time." She spun around and she was wearing the blackbelt karate uniform. She shot her arm out and the heel of her hand caught Kaname's chin. Kaname dropped the umbrella and Tamao picked it up, shouting, "VICTORY IS MINE!"

She handed the umbrella to Kagome. "Here ya go."

"Thanks." Blushing, Kagome held it out to Tamao. "Here. I've been meaning to return this to you. Thank you for lending it to me."

"You're welcome." And Tamao got her umbrella back.

"My nose itches," Nagisa whined.

Suddenly the room fell silent. Himeko snapped into consciousness, and she and Chikane stared at the redhead with wide eyes.

"What did you say…?" Himeko whispered.

"That my nose itches. It's been itching for the entire story. I would scratch it, but…" Smiling sheepishly, Nagisa held up her hands, still bound by the satiny thing.

Chikane stepped forward. "Be more specific. Does it itch like this…" She demonstrated by rubbing her thumbnail against the tip of her nose. "…or like this?" She stuck her finger up her nose.

Himeko giggled. "My girlfriend picks her nose!"

Nagisa blinked. "Erm…I guess it itches on the inside. Does it mean anything?"

"It does! You're destined to be the next Goddess of Yuri!" Chikane proclaimed.

A tremendous cheer shook the ceilings of Strawberry Dorms. And that was how Nagisa became the Goddess of Yuri with Suzumi Tamao as her partner.

* * *

Hikari turned to Sir. "Amane-senpai, what made you want to take Star Bride back?"

"Remember when you said that a male horse named Star Bride ought to be gay?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I realized that was the smartest thing you've said in this entire fic. It changed how I see Yaoi. So I took Star Bride back."

Yaya arrived on the scene then. "Where is she!? Where is that pink-haired, cheeky, arrogant, bratty brat?"

"You mean Tsubomi-chan?"

"Yes!"

"You're a little late, Yaya-kun," said Sir. "The fic's about to end."

Yaya sweat-dropped and slumped dejectedly against the wall. So she never got to kill Tsubomi. And really, it was a good thing. Tsubomi really was a devout Yurist.

* * *

Kagami itched an eyebrow. "Wait a second. We had no significance in this scene! Why were we here?"

"We were accessories," Konata giggled. "Side characters. And you know, side characters _are _the best characters in an anime."

"Yeah, you're right…"

* * *

That week changed everybody's lives, some for better, others for worse. No longer being Goddesses of Yuri, Chikane and Himeko were mortals in the mortal world, which they preferred to Yuri Heaven anyway. Himeko put her knack for photography toward shooting _Playboy _models — given that, you can probably guess what Chikane's job is. Nagisa and Tamao were the new Goddeses of Yuri. While they enjoy strengthening their friendship with benefits/relationship, Nagisa is deeply and mortally afraid of Sumiko. So Tamao has to go alone to extend their rent. Shizuma was a bit reluctant to accept this at first, but Amy whipped her with her insane bitchery, so now Shizuma's a kept woman. Yaya designed a good, secure shelter when they all learned that Chikaru had sponsored to start the Conspiracy to Kill Remon and Kizuna and Tsubomi and Yaya and TamaoXNagisa4EVER and Tamao and Nagisa and Chiyo and Shizuma and Amane and Hikari and Kaname and Momomi and Sister Hamasaka and Chihaya and Mizushima and Miyuki Club.

* * *

And so it ends.

Overall this was fun to write. I never thought I could do crackfics, but it turns out I can. Thank you to those of you who have reviewed this. Maybe I'll do a sequel, provided that I get a really good idea.

NEXT CHAPTER:...There isn't one.


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